I will live my life with purpose. A purpose to bring love to those around me.

Yesterday, I was quite depressed.  I woke up too late to get ready for the Sunday morning Bible study, and I woke up from a nightmare.  Leave it said, I didn't feel well.  My head was heavy and I felt defeated.  It was an attack.  I think I knew it in the back of my mind, but I felt too defeated and sick to fight it. I stayed home from church, the excuse was because we wondered if K was infectious from a virus going around our house and a feeling like I couldn't get ready in time anyway.  Convenient.   Really, just excuses... and a way out of what was right for me.  I took it.  Shame on me.  Sinner. 

Well, it's not good for me to be cooped up all day.  I need interaction to thrive, and I retreated into myself.  Felt like a pit of mud and guck.  So, I went out in the evening to watch the only show on TV that I enjoy, with a friend.  It was a start.  I stepped out of the house and a baby step out of that pit of self-pity and defeated feeling inside me.  Afterwards, I finished the evening off by reading a book.  A book based on the Biblical story of Hosea.  I have been moved to tears at least a dozen times through this story.  My heart was breaking through it, wondering if it would turn out for good, for hope for joy.  So much my heart ached,  tears streaming, my heart cloven in two at one point.  That's all I can do to describe it.  It was a feeling of such deep loving pain.  A pain God must feel for us.  I had a tiny glimpse of God's love for His creation and it felt like I would be broken under that profound ache inside my heart.  I had to read ahead to get the answer before the story was over.   It was all I could do to calm down. 
All through the book, I felt God prompting me to lead a book study with some married women.  "How can I do that, Lord?  I've never led a Bible/book study before."  His reply, "Love my sheep.  That's all I ask.  I will do the rest"  

I couldn't finish the whole book last night.  I was too tired and it was already 2 am.  I had to get sleep, so I rested.  This morning upon waking, I felt better.  A new morning and a new hope was brewing.  I wasn't finished with  the book at this point and had only two chapters left to read.  I would read it after I helped out at the library.  While walking the kids to school and walking to library duty, I asked God what direction He wanted me to take.  What actions He wanted me to do for Him.  I need a purpose.  A plan.  Little did I know, He would answer me about 3 hours later.

I came home, made a cup of coffee and sat down to finish the book.  More tears.  Tears of joy.  Tears of hope.  Tears with a purpose.

Finished the book, read the author's testimony afterward and knew God wanted me to lead a book study.  How God?  I never know how to ask questions in these kinds of things.

I turned the page.

There was my answer.  Staring at me in the face.  The book study questions were right there.  Chapter by chapter.  Now, I'm on my knees in tears.  God, okay, here's your answer to me to the question I asked of you earlier in the day.  Praise You.  Now, I need to take action. 

Pray for me.  Pray this study comes about in His timing.  Pray for His divine set up.  I won't do it otherwise.  Pray the right women come at the right time.  Pray for God to move.  May His everlasting and awesome love abound.

To God be the glory.