I have got to learn to say, "No".

I am awake at 1 am in the morning to write in my blog.  I am asking your forgiveness, because I am now going to vent some on here.  Yes, I'm going to vent to you and I'm sorry. Only my closest friends are going to read this and it's not all over FB for people to judge me for it.  I just have to write this down and get this, taken advantage of spirit, out of me.

I feel like I was taken advantage of by some others here on base and I don't feel appreciated.  I actually feel used and tossed aside.  Not sure if that's exactly what I meant, but let's roll with it.

So here's the story...

I was "appointed" over FB email to put together an airplane package for someone who was leaving here under sad circumstances.  At first when I received the email I thought, "Why am I being asked this when I don't know this person very well?"  But then I thought, "I like to put stuff together and I like to bless people and they must see that in me."  I have to admit my pride got in the way here.  Not being able to see clearly into my own heart and letting my pride enter was not a good combo.  I was asked to collaborate with another friend to pull this together.  Well, I didn't ask that friend, and I didn't feel like it was ever the right time to do so.  I probably was struggling internally about why I was appointed this task.  I didn't feel called to do it.  I didn't have the extra cash to spend on it.  I should have said, "No."

Well, because of all these feelings, I waited until the last minute, never asking my friend for help and then found out that the person is leaving the next day.  So, I ran around my house, finding things that could "possibly" bless her on the plane.  I didn't know her, how can I bless her when she's going through something that I never have and I was sort of shut out by?  My heart was in the right place because I wanted to be obedient, but I felt forced into this situation.  I didn't say no and  I let it happen; now I was stuck.  However, all the time I had to pull this gift together, I kept waiting for the right spirit to come upon me to ask this other friend to help me.  It never happened and now I better be a woman of my word and just do it.

So, I gave her one of the Beth Moore books I bought for myself and a scripture journal I was saving so she could write letters in it to her daughter.    I think there was something else in there, but it was so long ago that I don't remember now.

Well, when I tried to give it to her, I couldn't because I was forbidden to see her personally, then I thought, "I could talk with her husband", but it was received rather coldly, so then I handed it off to the friend who was traveling with her and she took it and smiled, but was confused by it.  All were being protective and standoffish, but I was appointed this task, so I was going to do it even if it was rather awkward.  I felt awkward.  Very awkward.  I shouldn't have done it.  I should have left it alone.  The reason why this is bothering me now is because I asked this friend who went with her how she liked the gift and found out that it didn't even go with her on the plane.  That it got packed with her stuff left behind at the house and the journal was put on a shelf.  The book I bought for myself and sacrificed for her benefit is never going to be read.  An awesome Beth Moore book, too....  Ouch.  I'm telling you, I wasn't supposed to do this task, but I did it anyway.  Who's the fool?  I really need to learn to say no.

Now my feelings are hurt and I'm journaling  my thoughts.  I'm not sure why I want to write this down and why I'm awake at 1:30 in the morning, but here I am.  Feeling used and unappreciated. 

I'm so so so so so sorry for this little tirade.  I hope whoever is reading this can relate and forgive me.  Maybe in the morning I'll feel better after I pray on it.  God please help me to forgive and help me learn in the future to know what I'm appointed to do and say no when the timing seems off.